Rest 3

‘’I grew up really filled with fear.
My childhood didn’t start out so glamourously or whatever the correct word should be😂
From a young age, I always felt like a failure and a mistake, I felt like my life was really worthless and it’s better I die and let my life restart again.
I carried guilt, fear, shame, disgust, etc for a very long time😂😂.
It was too much for me, I decided to go to God as a child, but everybody said He was mad at me, I told him I was sorry a million times but I didn’t feel forgiven.

I always really wanted to talk to Him, and I used to, but I never heard Him speak through all of the walls I’d built up in my mind.
I was a confused child, outside it didn’t show, I perfected the act of putting on a smiley face.
I remember walking down to school most mornings and just crying, but nobody would notice though because I’d be quick to clean it up😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

😂😂😂💔💔💔I want to cry😂😂😂😂

I would always pick my Bible and read, but I only saw a thousand and one reasons why I’m imperfect.

I was always guilty of one, so guilty of all.

I’d read stories of children working with God those days and Jesus coming to them and taking them to heaven (and hell)..
Read a story of a girl who would always be talking to the Holy Spirit and literally seeing Him, and since it didn’t work for me, it only just reinforced my belief that God didn’t like me because of the events that had taken place in my life 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I was really hurt growing up😂😂😂😂😂
Chineke meee, warris all diz😂😂😂

I started logging off from the world and getting lost in my head
I could spend a very long time, weeks, in my head. Yes, I’ll go about my chores, do everything I’m supposed to do but I found a better escape.

Creating my own world, there was always a world I’d be creating in my head…. till I got bored and wanted another storyline.

It’s why I love nights
At night I was always free a bit
I’d spend the whole night creating and creating stories 😂😂
I was always a princess in my stories😂😂😂😂
I mattered there…
As much as I felt God didn’t want me, I didn’t hold it against Him.
I was very good at taking the blame for everything.

I was scared of the Holy Spirit, I didn’t like Him.
I heard he doesn’t forgive when sinned against, I was already dealing with a lot, didn’t want to offend him and add to my plate.

I would always talk to Jesus, tell him everything, and cry to Him😂

Okay, let’s fast forward to when I’d grown a bit.
In my world I was perfect.
In real life I wasn’t worth it, I actually was so sure I wouldn’t live past 21, was really surprised when I did.
It was the one time I imagined something negative for myself, I imagined I’d come down with a disease and die😂😂
And it would be good for everyone.

I started being so insecure, I really used to take pictures before Sha, because I needed validations, I was always needy 😂😂😂. A very big people pleaser, go out of my way and even hurt myself to please others.

PS: now I really don’t care, if someone compliments me in a good way, I don’t care, if someone says something negative, I still do not care. I don’t need validations anymore. And definitely not going out of my way to make someone like me, e concern the person 😂😂
Nothing gets to me anymore
I was always drained.
Emotionally, physically, mentally every “ally” you can think of😂😂
I was always tired
Still looking for God sha, I’d go to church, join different departments
Try to be very active just to please God
But it didn’t work, I’ll feel close to him today and tomorrow I’ll feel far and I’d get exhausted again
Ahhhh, e don dey long o
Didn’t know it’d be this long sef😂😂😂

My head was full of voices.
A thousand voices…
Everybody trying to speak at once.
It started choking me
I’d wake up crying at night😂😂
I’d want to scream but can’t… like your post, this was the opposite…. I couldn’t sleep too but not because of the supernatural but because of the thousand voices…
They were too much😂😂
I’d be sleeping and I’d wake up with a start, always very mentally tired, like I’d spent the whole time engaged in some activities.

I wanted to sleep because then I’d not feel, I didn’t always dream like that so I loved to sleep but I couldn’t.

I’d cry and cry and cry😂😂😂😂

I need a hug now joor😂😂

Now you must be imagining my reason for so much guilt…..
But wait o, all these things I’m typing was me??😩😩😩
Thank you Jesus 😩😭❤️
Okay, so we moved to *** when I was about 4 going to 5 years…
We were 3 tenants in the compound then…
One family didn’t have children.
The other family had 2 girls…

One day, they invited us to come over to play, and their cousins visited them…
Well, we were playing o, and before I knew they brought one new game😂😂
Fast forward to the end, I was alone with the girl, we were same age, about 7(we didn’t socialize until around this age)…
She started touching me o😂😂
Ahhh, she said she’s my husband and I’m the wife.
Awwn, sweet marriage 😂😂
I liked what she did to me😂😂😂

To be continued…

Then she’d call me to come over and we’ll play again, then once like that her little cousin (male) came, he too joined us 😂😂
Marriage of three 😂😂

They packed out the next year tho…

But.
I knew the elders were not supposed to know but I didn’t realize how wrong it was…
Now this is the part I don’t likeeee, the part that messed up my entire life before finding rest in God, if it was just the play with the girls, I wouldn’t mind😩😩😩
Okay….here goes…again…

I’m over it but I really don’t like saying it…

I touched my brothers.

I didn’t know it was wrong, I just felt it was fun, I didn’t know how wrong it was until one day my step sis came and they were talking about incest and they explained what it was, that was when my guilt began.

All of this I was under 10 o😂😂😂😂😂

What a long life😂😂😂

I and guilt and pain became one, inseparable beings.

Wanted to erase my life and just start over somewhere.
I was eating shame 3 times daily, bathing with disgrace morning and night, worthlessness followed me like handbag..all of those guys were really good at hanging around.

My parents didn’t help, I don’t blame them, they didn’t know better, they weren’t taught better.
My mum had a way with words then, she’s calmer now…words that could really pierce you and draw pain😂😂
I really confess everyday that my words are filled with grace because I don’t want to ever do to others what my mum did to me with words.

She has said all kinds of things to me, all while I was still a child o, called me a mistake, a destroyer, a jezebel, devil himself etc all because I probably didn’t make the eba well or put too much water in the food😂😂😂(probably why cooking is not my forte)
She said I used to use a wicked mind to cook that’s why it would turn bad😂😂. That if I used love it would be sweet

I believed all she called me because I thought she could really see me for who I was, I disowned her a thousand times, I’d write letters at night and drop them while planning my escape 😂😂

Whenever I disowned her, I wouldn’t call her mum for the next couple of days.
What was funny was even if I prolonged the silent treatment, I always forgave her after I slept and woke up, always 😂.

My dad didn’t say a word with all of the things my mum did, I was the child that was born to do everything while the younger ones enjoyed other privileges.

I actually became very stubborn 😂. I rebelled.
I started talking too, dished what I was given… call me a destroyer, I tell you a dog doesn’t give birth to a cat.
Quote that part of the Bible that says obey your parents, I quote “parents do not provoke your children” 😂😂😂😂

I obeyed them actually, but I just didn’t get why I had to do everything when they wanted me to do it, or why they couldn’t see I was tired and needed to rest…

I believed I deserved everything tho…
I had touched my brothers, remember?
I wasn’t worth anything anyways.

All these extra orishirishi, na because I dey stall time to send this particular chat ooo😩😩
When I was about 11/12, I was in my mum’s shop…
This guy that lived in my street came around…
He gave me porn to watch 😂😂😂😂
Ha, he just said I should watch it o, see me see case😂😂😂
Anyhoooo, that’s how I started watching porn😂😂😂
And started masturbating 😂😂😂
Awwn, what a colourful past😂😂😂😂💥

I could control it sha but anytime I said I would totally stop it, it would become worse for a few weeks😂

Almost like it was saying, I dare you to stop
So, yeah…